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What is your definition of sexual success?

When you imagine incredible sex what do you think of? What are there things that you hear, see, feel or smell that makes the sexual experience incredible?

Take a moment to really get a picture and feeling of a sexual experience that you would characterize as incredible.

If you can, do not just have a vision of the experience, but envision the thought - get the images out of your head and really feel the experience in your body.

Now take a moment and think about the process or the steps from beginning to end.

Did your story follow a series of steps that could be generalize into a script?

Now, take a moment and think about the outcome.

What outcomes happened in your story?

Can you relate to the above script of lovemaking? If you can then you have definedsexual success as achieving orgasm. This is what Sexperts call a goal-focused approach to lovemaking.

If your script is different, then take a minute and define what sexual success means to you - a definition will be give to you shortly to compare.

Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with this orgasm goal-focused script, but it is aproblem when it is:

If your not happy with the quality of your sex-life and looking to substantially improve the quality of your sexual experiences and orgasm - then there is something in this website to help you move beyond the goal-focused-script of sexually success.

If you are like many women, you realize that you need to change. But the question is what and how?

Sex Tips & Techniques - Whats The Problem?

Most people think of sex as strictly something that they do.

Obviously, there is no shortage of sex tips and advice on achieving mind-boggling orgasm via the media outlets of popular TV, magazines and internet.

Do these statements sound familiar?

There is a good chance you have tried many of them with varying successes, but probably none that gave you lasting sexual comfort and assurance as a sexually active women.

So the question is - How is it that sex tips seem to always fall short?

The authors in, Sex Matters For Women", suggest that sex tips are not given in a context that are realistic to the readers. Sex Tips in themselves do not address the deeper issue of emotional dynamics that may exist between couples.

Womens magazines, for example, regularly advise readers to dress themselves in Saran Wrap or do something new and crazy- they call it "spicing it up!".

It could be very exciting to do something novel like greet your Lover at the door stark naked.

The problem is the next step: What happens if he or she walks right by and asks what you fixed for dinner?

Most of us would take our partners potential response personally and feel devastated - enough so that the very thought of failing may prevent some from even trying to do something new. While this example may not apply directly to you, it does illustrate the problem of trying to turn your sex life around with only sex tips and techniques.

Sex tips in themselves are tools that come without instructions, they may help you build your ways of expressing your sexuality, but they are not roadmaps to the type of intimate sex that brings deep satisfaction.

This is not to say that sex tips and sexual aids can not play an important role in your sexual health.

The message here is that they should never substitute your responsibility to personal development as a sexual being.

Your enjoyment in sex can vary from absolute superficial or to the profound & meaningful.

Superficial sex happens when you and your partner are just triggering reflexes in each others bodies.

Think, about one partner performing oral sex on the other and the meaning of enthusiastic enjoyment for oral sex?

Now assume your partner really doesnt like it, but you do.

You can tell him or her how to move their hand or mouth till their fingers fall off - youre not going to get what youre looking for. Your partner may be stimulating your genitals with sexual mastery, and youll still be frustrated because you know something is missing.

And this "something missing" is the limitation of a "goal-focused" definition of sexual success (i.e. successful sex ends in orgasm). In this case it is more than an inability to communicate, it speaks to a deeper belief system of how things should be and expectations.

Take a minute to think about this next question.

How many times have you let your partner do something to you sexually that you did not enjoy, but allowed it to continue because you thought they were enjoying it?

Goal-focused sex has the potential danger to distort the unique human quality of sexual intimacy. Today it is not uncommon for couples, who by definition mutually achieve orgasm, to report low sexual desire.

For these couples, orgasm is achieved, but sexual fulfillment is still not achieved.

The goal-focus script of lovemaking has been the dominant measure of sexual success for the last 100 plus years.

It is a script that placed the responsibility of sexual success on the vaginal orgasm of women.

Sigmund Freud and his followers are given credit for bringing this idea into cultural prominence at the beginning of the 20th century.

In A General Introduction to Psychoanalysis, published in 1920, Freud wrote that "...in the transition to womanhood it is important that the sensations of the clitoris are completely transferred...to the entrance of the vagina...". In, 1927, he added "the abolition of clitoris sexuality is a necessary pre-condition for the development of femininity".

Freuds opinions were repeated, quoted and expanded upon in marriage manuals and medical textbooks throughout the 1930s and 1950s. Belive it or not, this was the scientific fact of the time!

For the majority of women who did not or rarely experience vaginal orgasms, living in this era was a very troubling experience.

If you did not fit in with so-called cultural expectations, "something must be wrong with you" was the natural assumption. Can you image what it was like for these women? What made it even more difficult was that there was little opportunity for women to talk to their peers about it.

Women who did not reach orgasm through vaginal penetration by a penis werelabeled as fridge, neurotic, and infantile.

Treatment included long-term psychoanalysis, which did little to improve sexual satisfaction. Lonnie Barbach writes, in Pleasures: Women Write Erotica , of another rare treatment for extreme so-called problem cases of clitoral-sensitivity - the clitoris was to be eliminate entirely.

Today, little has changed in the cultural debate - orgasm still is an important factor in how the majority of women and men define sexual success.

The majority of current sex literature has a focus on defining different types of genital orgasms: clitoris, vaginal orgasm, uterus, g-spot and more.

Unlike Freud and his followers, today there is a general agreement that there is not one right way or better way to achieve orgasm.

Currently, achieving orgasm remains the dominate idea of sexual success to a majority of women and men.

There are many aids to help women achieve a stronger and more responsive orgasm with mineral and vitamin enriched lotions.

With scientific support this aids are a useful tool to improve your sexual response, however, they can become even more effective when combined with adapting a larger idea of sexual success.

Dr. Carol Ellison, provides a powerful argument to redefine sexual success in her latest book, Womens Sexualities ,. She implies that orgasm should never be goal, rather it is a potential by-product of successful intimate sex.

Dr. Ellisons definition of sexual success:

"A couple is sexually successful when the create a mutual erotic pleasure, to whatever level and whatever form they desire on any particular occasion, so that each ends up feeling good about herself or himself and the other, experiencing a good time and enhancing their relationship" (p.217)

Notice that the definition does not include any sexually functions such as orgasm, lubrication, or lasting longer. Nor does it say anything about requiring intercourse or how the stimulation occurs.

This definition also uses the word "create" rather than achieving to emphasize that pleasure is experienced in the process of making-love. Creating also implies that you never arrive, that the sexual success is found in the doing and not in the achievement.

Dr. Ellisons view provides what is called a pleasure-focused approach to sex, an alternative to the goal-focus approach.

The irony is that if you can define sexual success beyond the female-orgasm, your intensity and frequency of the orgasm will improve dramatically!

When orgasm becomes part of a journey, rather then the destination, in your experiences - you release incredible pleasure and energy by linking your body, mind and spirit in your sexual actions.

What makes this website different then most other websites, is that sexual success is not just orgasmic-centric; is more than a physical event; and orgasm is not the only defining factor in sexual success.

If you are reading this article, it is assumed that your deepest desire is to feel a sense of complete sexually satisfaction .

Embrace this positive energy for self-improvement; your desires are neither trivial nor selfish.

It is a powerful force that can drive tremendous positive change throughout all areas of you life.

When you can experience consistent sexual success in your life you will have the ability the give back an infinite amount of love and care to your partner, family and other life activities.

Remember, improving your sexual satisfaction is simpler than you might think.

It does not involve unraveling ancient secrets and techniques to sexual bliss. It really is more about personal development. Understanding your sexual story is a great start.

In other words, it is more than just "doing the right things", it also involves beingcomfortable with yourself and your sexual desires.

Are you comfortable with your sexuality?

If you are like most women, your instinctive answer will be an immediate yes!

...However, what if the questions become more specific:

Do you feel at ease when you undress before your partner or stand in front of a mirror?

Are you truly relaxed during lovemaking, able to focus on your bodys sensations without distraction, worries or guilt?

Do you feel completely free to explore your sexuality, try new things, talk openly with your partner and feel confident when educating your children about sex?

As you can see being sexual comfortable means more than just enjoying your sexual experiences.

When you can become comfortable in all aspects of your sexuality there are greater opportunities to experience sexual and non-sexual intimacy that fosters deep and meaningful connections to your partner and to life itself.

Hopefully this article is getting to you look at your sexuality in a different light.